without shame

apologies, fear-lessness, & leaving yoga events early

Apology comes to English from the Greek roots of apo- (“away from, off”) and logia (from logos, meaning “speech”). The word's earliest meaning in English was “something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong or of what may be liable to disapprobation.”

Good morning from lush and rainy Massachusetts.

Starting today with a definition: the word apology comes to English from Greek roots of apo- (“away from, off”) and logia (from logos, meaning “speech”). The word's earliest meaning in English was “something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong or of what may be liable to disapprobation.”[This comes from a full article on the Merriam Webster website, The Non-Apology ‘Apology’]

I do not remember what that word [disapprobation] means [it means the act or state of disapproving/condemnation], but I think I once knew.

What I just shared comes from the Merriam Webster website, which I happen to have bookmarked because I love the meanings of words, as many of you know.

One thing that I want to say as I am just about to kick off my series on bipolar - What bipolar means to me:

It is an apologetic or an apology in the real, original meaning of the word in English: it's basically an explanation or a defense of what may appear to sometimes be

-overblown behavior or

-being “a lot” or

-ways in which those of us who are bipolar bears (whether proudly or not at all proudly) may confuse the people around us.

I do want to explain [all of] that fairly well in the context of the ways in which the mental health system in our country and our society and thus in many parts of the world can be scary or coercive, confusing, or harmful.

With that said, I don't want to confuse people and make them believe that I am apologizing because I feel ashamed. I have actually spent much of the past decade feeling a low grade, underlying shame and I don't believe shame is ever a natural part of the human condition. I think it's something that humans and specifically groups of humans weaponize as a way of keeping control and creating in-groups and out-groups

& Brené Brown has a very beautiful podcast talking about the differences (podcast / YouTube video… it's out there in several places, including her book Atlas of the Heart). I'm talking about the difference between guilt, embarrassment, and shame.

And it's good to have a working definition, because if we are guilty of doing something harmful, then making a good apology and saying a true “I'm sorry” is essential [provided it doesn’t exacerbate the harm to offer an apology that appears performative – do a deeper dive on this if needed].

I’ll link Brené’s conversation with Harriet Lerner - she has two podcasts from back in 2020 - talking about that, and I'll maybe even put a graphic from that talking about distinctive features of a good apology.

When you know you're guilty of doing something harmful whether intentionally or unintentionally and you need to take accountability for that. I do take accountability for all the ways in which my actions have been harmful to people around me, and when someone brings [something I’ve done] up to me… I'm a missionary kid, I know how to apologize, I know how to get down on my knees and grovel; but I don't think humans are made for groveling, I don't think that's something we need to do.

So these days, when I find myself in an energetic of shame, it's usually the result of not strangers but the people that I love best - certain family members or friends - who are seeing the ways that I am transforming and becoming more fully myself, and there's something confusing or scary about who I am to them.

And sometimes that comes in the context of me acting differently, and I am coming to understand that it is OK to act differently. It is OK to make new choices.

Some of this comes from listening to a beautiful recent podcast that talks about this, I'm forgetting the podcast [Mel Robbins talking to Jay Shetty] but I'm going to insert it after the fact because I can find it by looking it up.

I know that when we love the people around us deeply, and I certainly do, we never want to see them suffer as a result of our action or inaction. We don't want to see them hurt because we've said or done “the wrong thing,” but sometimes - particularly if we have gone through trauma - we are going to say or do things that are confusing.

I know this so much because of my work with survivors of intimate partner violence [shout out to Jeanne Geiger!] and that's not the kind of survivor I am; I have not experienced coercion or harm in an intimate relationship, not in any direct or obvious way, by any means…it’s loving people I've gotten to be in partnership with intimately;

And [yet] there are ways in which the structures of our society and even just the nature of being in intimate partnership … As a woman who has been trained to make the people around me happy; sometimes I say “upregulate” the emotion of a family system or a work environment or…I mean, I direct musical theater! I'm on stage as smiley, dancing roles!

When that is the way you have been trained from early, early childhood; it can feel scary to me to see anyone feel anything but comfort in my presence.

So yesterday, when I was breathing and enjoying the yummy luscious fresh air outside a lovely little coffee shop in Boston [shout out to Adam & Liz at KoHI Coffee!] …

Side note: I was enjoying this coffee shop air, because I had actually exited an amazing fundraiser that I still need to make some money for in the next couple weeks, so some of you will be getting an e-mail from me about that.

Yoga Reaches Out: it's this amazing fundraiser for Boston Children's Hospital, but the lighting was a lot; the sound was a lot; and my period is about to start, I'm a little under the weather, and I just like left [the building] for big chunks of the time … and even like left [the event] early. I did a good amount of yoga, I made some beautiful connections, and I'm really proud of myself for being at a point in my life where I don't feel like I have to do the whole thing to have had a beautiful experience of something like a yoga-based fundraiser [if you want to donate, here’s the link].

So grateful I got to be part of it, and for me the yoga included skipping some of the yoga asana, the posing: that might be a metaphor for my whole life: I don't always have to do the poses.

[Shout out to my yoga teacher trainers Willa Worsfold & David Magone, who taught me way back in 2014-5 that the physical practice is just one of the eight “limbs” of classical yoga as set out by Pātañjali].

[Here’s me and Willa in the car on the way to yesterday’s fundraiser!]

So as many of you know if you have been following Monday Morning Muse, I am soon to be really talking through this paper I wrote about social welfare policy, which sounds like a hoot and a half, I know, but it's really much more than that, and we'll get to that soon;

but for today I want to share the SoulCollage® card that had come to me yesterday morning that I ended up writing about late morning/early afternoon outside the little coffee shop and as I gradually gently trekked my way back to North Station in Boston & on the train home.

So I think it's actually okay to show this [the card]. I don't remember where the images come from, but I'm not going to try to sell this or anything [in SoulCollage® we are careful to not take the art of others and profit on it];

It's an image of a woman walking across a big, sturdy-looking but also slightly scary (because there's spaces between the slats) … this big bridge in the jungle, and she's got an umbrella; it looks pretty rainy. The other side [of the card] is a little child in a dress and she is running through a forest path that looks very clear and dry and autumnal and lovely.

So we're seeing the backside of both of these female-presenting bodies and I made this card back in 2018; I call it Journeyer

& I've been getting messages from this card for many years, so when it came out (sometimes I have a question ahead of time and sometimes I ask the card what I should ask)

And I asked the card, What do you have for me today? and this is what she said:

Walk in any weather; take your time and trust the gentle strength that moves you forward.

A waterlogged bridge that takes you high above the jungle is one thing;

a cool earthy trail lined in smooth sturdy planks is another.

Vary your pace and trust the heart murmurs that call you toward a landscape you have yet to imagine.

If loved ones are calling you to slow down or get off that bridge, it's only because they:

a) want to walk alongside you

b) have no experience with paths like those you are traveling and feel nervous on your behalf

c) aren't choosing to imagine a more beautiful world …beauty full world

d) get tired of looking at your backside (even if you – maybe especially if – you have a perfectly pleasant backside)

e) they struggle with farewells.

Then, as I was doing this, I realized I could come up with so many reasons why people might say “slow down,” or, “explain yourself more fully,” or “feel guilty!” or “grovel!” or whatever …

Because it had never occurred to me [until yesterday] that this card that is so important to me and emblematic of who I am in the world does in fact show the tail side of both of these people.

So then, after my little multiple choice list and encountering this card, [the card]/ I said to my self, “Listen to what fear-less Love says.”

Shout out to Liz Gilbert - if you haven't checked out her Sub stack which I forget the name of [Letters from Love] but it's all about the voice of love - capital L love - please check her out and if you don't know Elizabeth Gilbert is, lucky you! [You’re in for a treat.] I'll link it here.

Listen to what fear-less Love says:

I know you've journeyed many paths, you marvelous, blessed being.

I know you know what is needed and you will forever keep learning.

When the trail grows dark and no shelter is in sight, you will find a stalwart tree and crawl into her crevices.

When you slip and fall, you will take out the Band-Aid you keep in your waterproof jacket and dress your wound while you let the drizzle soak your gorgeous, worldworn skin.

You've felt worse pain than this.

You've seen deeper darkness and braved stranger forests.

All that's left for you is to keep moving forward.

Thanks to my mentor Bill Redfield for really encouraging me in this direction of keeping my sights on what is ahead rather than turning backward;

& thank you to each and every friend, family member, and muse who engages with me from a place of curiosity and who has been a part of my loving and healing ever since I started to go through the mental health journey of being diagnosed bipolar… But much more so, also all the people who have been part of my journey since before and after that, who never knew or cared if I had a diagnosis or not, because for me the story of diagnosis is a story of trauma primarily, but also a story of commission [shout out to my soul sister Satya, the original friend who said, “your understanding of bipolar is something you need to teach”]

& I think most folks know that what may appear to be a terrifying chapter or a horrible devastation, often it's an invitation to something new … maybe always it is an invitation if we choose to view it as such.

So if you choose to come on the journey of what bipolar means to me as I get into that series in the days to come, thank you in advance;

& don't apologize for being who you are in the world

& when others want to understand better, feel free to provide a traditional apology in the original sense of the word [if you want to]:

explain yourself,

defend yourself in a way that is loving and clear

but also in a way that is without shame.