k, so this is the beginning of my multi-media series on the direction(s) in which we need to move as a species. I’m finding that re-examining an earlier period of my life (in this case, content&comments I posted to YouTube over a decade ago) allows me to better understand where I’m at now.
I’ve been saying recently, “we need to move from attention to attunement.” This is because I realized that the word tension is inside of the word attention (tho’ technically it’s not the same letters, so I never noticed before). Every time I say “pay attention” to myself or someone else, I’m asking them to pay the price of “a tension” … say the words aloud and you’ll hear what I mean. “Pay… a… tension.” And I’m like,
-no thank you, Self, not anymore.
I’m already a good listener (I have to be, I’m a musician/dancer/foreign language lover)
I’m also a highly sensitized nervous system (I’m a trauma therapist and a trauma survivor)[*]
Just yesterday, I flinched when I watched a meme (or maybe it was a Facebook reel/TikTok-vid-recently-migrated-to-Facebook)* of a black man moving to look at his black wife’s phone while their child is sitting between them … this content comes from a gorgeous black family (even their names are fab, “Orlando & Sparkle Wash”) … and the little boy humorously slaps his dad’s hand away, saying, “don’t be jumpin’ at my mama.” I’m honestly a little confused - to me, it seems like maybe they’re training their child to protect his mom from a bigger male body that might harm her. Or maybe it’s an inside family joke? In any case, the caption says something like, “If you flinch, your husband is abusive.”
Well, I can guarantee you that my partner David is as gentle/sweet/kind as they come (our inside joke is that we’re “squishy souls”), but I could feel my body react to this playful moment in a joyful family.
So does that make me a …
a) total Karen, white privilege up the wazoo?
b) failed anti-racist?
c) subpar companion to my beloved friends/family/muses/clients of different ancestries?
d) bipolar bear recovering from the trauma of 4 inpatient hospitalizations in 2 years?*****
e) perimenopausal woman watching TikTok for (sort of) the first time (in the form of a Facebook reel) at 4:45 AM, fascinated but also wishing she could just go back to sleep
f) survivor of intimate partner violence?****
g) clinician at a top notch org serving/passing-the-mic/making art with survivors of DV/IPV?
h) some inscrutable combo/all of the above?
Okay, I could go on and on, but are you seeing what I mean about paying the price of a tension (er, attention)? There are so many identities that I have - so much skin in the game - and if I overthink it … if I lean into the tensions present … I will go down a rabbit hole (cue pertinent Taylor Swift song here**)
I don’t want to pay this kind of attention any more, my nervous system is hella fried.
-this pic inserted to remind you to take a deep breath if listening to me is making YOU feel fried right now-
Instead, howzabout we attune to one another?
When I watch this old video (thanks for your permission to share, Ainsley***), I see me doing a lovely job attuning to Ainsley (age 4, methinks? correct me if I’m wrong, Deena & Ainsley) and what she needs in the moment (I was a fairly passable music teacher prior to becoming a therapist). But moreso, I see Ainsley attuning to me, to the presence of the camera, and to certain things that are unseen … in the classroom where we filmed it, outside of the frame of the laptop I used to film this. I watched and rewatched this video and it kinda blew my mind.
If you like to nerd out on the subtleties of social interactions as well as the interactions (both conscious and unconscious) of humans with tech, please feel free to watch and rewatch it yourself! and if you wanna get meta, make a video of yourself watching it. humanity may thank you later. kiddingNotKidding).
I’m gonna nerd out with a friend about this in a future episode. Stay tuned! In the meantime, here’s your master class in attunement.
*note, when I tried to rewatch the meme via this link, I didn’t get to The original reel, but it brought up something else interesting, so maybe it will do the same for you.
**if you thought of a different Taylor Swift song, please put it in the comments … one of my baseline life philosophies is, “there’s a tSwift song for that”
****seriously, if you think you might be experiencing abuse/coercion in an intimate relationship, please contact the National DV hotline … please don’t contact Jeanne Geiger unless you’re in Northeast Massachusetts, it’s important that we keep people fairly close to their local area with these calls due to state/federal funding [boringest asterisk on a Substack post ever, methinks]. Also, if everyone who happens to see this post calls Jeanne Geiger, my beloved coworkers will scold me.
***Ainsley doesn’t do a lot of social media as a 20-something studying to be a teacher [which -side note- makes me so flippin’ proud of her], but I was lucky to catch her mama Deena on Facebook messenger and got permission to share this old video
*****[you may note that these asterisks are out of order. totally intentional, tho perhaps hard to track, sorry ‘bout that.] Lots of recent and future posts examine my experiences of vicarious trauma (and joyful creative release) while being part of the system[*] I’m trying to heal while doing my own healing work.
refrain of my year so far seems to be:
We’re all survivors. We’re all in some combo of recovery/uncovery/discovery. Let’s chillax and enjoy the ride.
[*]hate to break it to ya, baby, but we’re all part of the system. now we get to figure out how to recreate it.
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